On My Heart's Desire

I came across this letter that I wrote for myself earlier this year: Erin was out of town (the reason escapes me), and my dog and I enjoyed the quiet without much tv, without much talking, without much of anything...

I enjoy being alone. I say this after a weekend spent, for the most part, in solitude. When I am isolated, I have the opportunity to listen to my thoughts, my ideas, and my dreams. We all have meditations of these sorts, but we don’t always have the freedom to revel in them, to get lost in them, and to develop them. This past weekend was especially extraordinary in that I was reacquainted with my guitar. I have always used my guitar as a form of worship, really as a form of prayer, and I prayed a lot this weekend. With a thankful and overwhelmed heart, I prayed to my father. I played songs that I thought would please him. I even tried to sing. It was during this time that I realized that guitar is not a passion of mine. I enjoy playing it, to be sure, but the enjoyment comes from the connection that is made with Christ, not necessarily the music that is made. If I could connect with God on this same depth through some other vessel, it is safe to say that I may not ever play the guitar. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on how you view it, I have never connected with God on this level through anything other than music. I found God again this weekend. I found him sitting right there next to me.

In the past few weeks and months, I have felt Him pulling on my sleeve, asking me to trust in Him. Financial trust is one of my biggest struggles; it always has been, as I have imposed upon myself a desire and need to provide security for my family. I pray only half-heartedly that I will conquer this battle soon because it is, after all, keeping me in pursuit of Him. In light of the recent tax incentive money we received, and at a time when our church is following its call to expand and reach the city of Raleigh, we (my wife and I) felt convicted to give all of our incentive to Journey. Let me say that this money could have been put to great use to help pay down debt, so making this decision was not easy. It was, however, necessary. I want and need to put myself in a position in which I can do nothing except lean on God. With the incentive money as a base, I had created a plan that would allow us to be debt-free in a short time. I don’t know where the money to pay off debt will come from now, and I don’t know how long we will have this hanging over us, but I do know that it will come…probably in God’s perfect timing, as I have learned that my plans are simply those, my plans.

My Father has given much to my family. He has shown Himself to be true to His word. It is only out of uncompromised love that He shows any favor on me. He loves me. He actively loves me. He doesn’t just sit in His throne watching me live my life, He holds my hand and guides me, most often without my knowledge, into and through celebrations, obstacles, and pain. This is my heart’s desire: to love. I want to love Him so selflessly that I yearn to struggle for Him. I want to be humbled and captivated by His mercy and grace. I want to show His mercy and grace in my life. I want to love my bride the way He loves His. I want to actively and passionately love her. I want to challenge her to become more like Christ as I strive to be more like Christ. I want to empower her to take on those challenges, to embolden her to do anything, and to support her in everything. I want to lead her. I want to love others so much so that they are not just affected, but they are changed. I want to love so much that it defines my life, regardless of money, job, or situation. I want to love.

God, help me love.